Why Men Want to Have Sex: The Biology, Psychology, and Relationship Science

09 Sept

• By: Dr. Anup Dhir

One of the most researched and misinterpreted aspects of human behavior are male sexual desire. It is either turned down as hormones or looked down on as just a "mind thing. The truth, of course, lies somewhere between the extremes, and knowledge of it is useful not only for men to understand their own motivations but also for couples with differing sexual appetites. There is no simple answer to this simple question. However, the research provides a fairly good idea.

The biological foundation of male sexual drive.

In men, the main factor of sexual desire is testosterone. It is manufactured predominantly in the testes and controlled by the hypothalamic-pituitary axis. Most men will feel a change in the nature and intensity of sexual desire as they get older because it is a hormone that peaks during early adulthood and then gradually decreases from the mid-30s.

Testosterone is not enough to cause sexual interest. It establishes the limit. Men who have lower levels of testosterone often have less sexual desire, but if there are other psychological or relational issues, that want can't be restored by bringing the T back up. Hormone makes the capacity; context determines whether or not it is expressed.

The action of the dopamine system is also key. The brain reward system is activated by sexual arousal and anticipation similarly to how it is activated during the experience of eating and other reinforcing experiences. Dopamine is responsible for the desire, the search for it, and the motivation to contact sexually. That's why sex seems not only sexy, but also urgent. It's not a background state. It is an active drive to motivation.

Oxytocin and vasopressin play a role in the act of sex and in post-sex behavior. These neuropeptides stimulate bonding, trust and emotional attachment. Most men release their sex more than just physically. This is also one way in which emotional connection is felt and strengthened and is why emotional distancing is frequently accompanied by sexual dissatisfaction and vice versa.

Physical and Physiological Reasons

There are simple physiological explanations apart from neurochemistry. Sex decreases cortisol, the body's main stress hormone. It stimulates the release of endorphins, lessening pain and raising mood. Numerous studies have shown that frequent sexual intercourse is linked with improved cardiovascular health, better sleep quality and improved immune function.

There is also physical tension caused by sexual stimulation among men, especially when they don't get to release it. This is a real physiological state and not an excuse for anything, but measurable. Partly, the soothing effect after after-sex is because of the alleviation from that bodily state which is a part of the reason why sex works as a stress regulator for lots of men.

The Psychological Dimension

For the vast majority of men, sex isn't a thing that happens in their head, it's a part of them. It is placed inside of it. Libido is influenced by self-esteem, body image, stress, mental health and the quality of relationships.

Men demonstrate that sexual activity is a technique for being wanted and approved. Studies always indicate that guys take pleasure in obtaining sex as a channel for being desired and approved. It is often described as being all about "ego," but instead it's more about connection. When someone feels needed by their partner, it satisfies a psychological need which is not easily satisfied in other ways. If this need is not met regularly, it will come out as frustration, withdrawal or low mood, which is typically the presenting symptom in sexual medicine consultations.

There's also the control and confidence issue. Sexual function is often linked intrinsically with self-concept in many men. Erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation or loss of libido is not confined to the bedroom. They impact upon a man's perception of himself in other aspects of life. That is why it is hard for men to have a sexual health issue without it affecting their emotional and psychological outlook. They have psychological significance, adding to the initial problem.

The Relational Dimension

Sexual desire isn't a solitary phenomenon. When researchers have studied long-term couples over time, they've found that relationship quality is a better predictor of sex frequency and satisfaction than is age or hormones. Men in relationships with emotional safety, open communication, and mutual respect feel more satisfied with their sex lives and have a more regular desire for sex than men in relationships where these elements are not present.

The notion that male desire is a spontaneous and independent activity is not confirmed by the facts. Men's libido bares itself to the bond they feel with their partner, to the level of conflict in the relationship and to the level of safety they feel in being vulnerable. They are not the female qualities of desire. These are human ones.

When desire changes and it declines

Although age can take its toll on men, it's not because of the lack of desire. It has worked causes. It has actual identifiable causes. Libido is lowered by low levels of testosterone, depression, chronic stress, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, thyroid dysfunction, and some medications, such as antidepressants and antihypertensive. So does pornography overuse, which can weaken the dopamine, reward system, and consequently frequency of real world sexual stimuli.

If a man feels a sudden and longstanding lack of libido, it should be investigated and not accepted as normal. A sexual health consultation will determine if the issue is male, female, medical, psychological or relational and can then recommend treatment.

Male sexual desire is not a straight-forward desire. It is a combination of nature, nurture, relationships and lifestyle.